Thursday, September 20, 2007

There IS a cream cheese conspiracy!


I've had this thought rumbling around in my head for some time, and the longer I think it, the more convinced I become that the fine folks at Kraft have a conspiracy in play to make every food contain some form of cream cheese. I'm dead serious here, people.

To give you some background about me and cream cheese, let's just suffice to say that I think it is one of the vilest (sp?), nastiest substances out there. The name is a misnomer; Cream - the tasty base of good stuff like ice cream, whipping cream, butter, and Cheese - parmagiano reggiano, gruyere, pepper jack.....I'm salivating just writing this. Cream cheese, on the other hand, has none of the good qualities it's name implies. It just has a bizarre overpowering taste and texture that resembles nothing else on this earth.

Back to my conspiracy theory.

It started with cheesecake. Why on earth would one put cheese in cake? It's wrong. Bottom line, very, very, wrong. Cheese does not belong in cake. Ever.

They, people were somehow convinced that making mashed potatoes one day ahead of time could be made better by throwing in a brick of cream cheese. Huh? I'm no mashed potato purist, but, quite frankly, if you served me good ole regular mashed potatoes, I wouldn't have a clue if you made them fresh, or smashed them a week ago. Why add the nasty taste of cream cheese?

P.C. (pre-child), I used to make homemade truffles at Christmas time. As I was on family leave last Christmas, I thought I might try my hand at it again, but lost my recipe. I checked out my favorite recipe spot on the net (Allrecipes), and the first truffle recipe that came up contained.......you guessed it, cream cheese! WTF! Why on earth would one pollute something as tasty as a good truffle with CHEESE? This is just so not right. My friends - homemade truffles done the right way are not hard to make! Time consuming? Yes. Messy? Hell, yes. But not difficult, you need no special talent to be able to do it the right way, just high quality chocolate, time to kill, and heavy whipping cream. Yes, I said HEAVY WHIPPING CREAM, not cream cheese. Two totally seperate entities.

My cream cheese conspiracy theory was well under way when I got my last edition of the free Kraft recipe magazine. They had an amazing looking chicken pot pie photo.
I love chicken pot pie!
Then, I got to the recipe. They infiltrated the gravy with.....you guessed it! Cream cheese! What would possess anyone in their right mind to even think that this could be a good idea? A standard, flavorful, homemade thick, rich gravy could not be made by mere mortals without throwing in a brick of cream cheese? This is just so wrong on so many levels!
America - be forewarned. There is a conspiracy to get you to buy and use more cream cheese. Just say no.

Now, because this is my little world, I'm going to act like the little monster boy in a classic Twilight Zone episode and say "Cream cheese - you've made me very angry - I'm sending you to the cornfield!"
Buh-bye!

6 comments:

Kristen and the Gang said...

I hear ya!!! I hate cream cheese! They are even using it at IHOP in crepes with fruit inside and stuffing it in french toast....YUCK! I will jump on your CREAM CHEESE HATING BAND WAGON!!! Spread the word wide and far!!!

Kelly said...

I'm laughing so hard at your post!! I have never even thought about it but you're right! It's everywhere!!!! I probably shouldn't tell you that I could seriously eat my weight in cream cheese (LOL), but you do have a point about it suddenly being in everything! :D

Tam said...

LMAO! That was too funny. I don't hate cream cheese...now, cottage cheese, that's more than disgusting.

Nancy said...

Oh boy, I'm with you. Kraft sends me a cooking magazine and I look at the scrumptious pictures and there it is! Cream cheese EVERYWWHERE!WHY? Brrrr!!

CMJ said...

lol, I know this is an old blog thread, but I finally remembered I've been meaning to type into Google, "What is up with Kraft and cream cheese." I really do like the Canadian Kraft recipe book. Nice layout, good photos, BUT why do at least half the recipes have cream cheese?! I realize they own Phildelphia as a brand, but they seem to use it as a default thickener/smoothing substance in everything from pasta to chicken to mashed potatoes. You see a good photo in there of a nice dessert, but of course, it has CREAM CHEESE in it. There's not a lot I don't like, or won't try in some way, but I detest the taste of cream cheese. I once had sushi with a weird taste and realized they'd put cream cheese in it. That's not very Asian is it?! But anyway, I have thought of writing to Kraft and telling them I hate cream cheese and can they think of a cream cheese substitute. On an opposite note, I love their Kraft light peanut butter, and nothing will top that.

Anonymous said...

The google result for HATE CREAM CHEESE has this blog listing in the very first position. And like the previous entry said, I know this is an old blog... But I feel compelled to add my name to the list of people who HATES cream cheese.

I've tasted almost every kind of cheese imaginable. And you know what? I like them all. I like pretty much every kind of cheese imaginable... Except for this abomination. Cream cheese is one of the nastiest, most disgusting things ever to be invented. (And what IS it anyway?)

A few years ago we had some friends over for dinner. We made a nice dinner, and they brought a nice dessert... or so I thought. It was a pan with this cookie-like stuff in it, and it *would* have been good... except when I bit into it, I had to fight my gag reflexes from kicking in as I immediately recognized that horrible, awful flavor of cream cheese.

What made me think to google this topic today is I saw what sounded like a wonderful recipe for a pumpkin-flavored cake. Except the twisted, demented creator of the recipe, in some kind of sadistic moment, decided to top it with CREAM CHEESE. What??? Why??? Why ruin something that sounds so good?

And I don't understand how some people could honestly like the stuff. All I can figure is different foods taste differently to different people, and if those people who love cream cheese could for one moment taste that sour abomination the way we do, they would never, EVER let it enter their mouths again.

And you're right there's a conspiracy, even two years after you wrote your blog. About 10 years ago, it seems, suddenly everything had to have cream cheese on it. The cinnamon rolls at the mall will never be edible again now that they've started using cream cheese instead of REAL frosting. Nasty, nasty.

So yes, I agree with your blog. YUCK.